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Joke Of The Day

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap set up by The State Police.

“You were speeding,” the police officer said. “Now I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep.” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible!” the officer complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?” asked the officer.

“Them are flies that circle a horse’s ass” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t happen to be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the officer angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But ya just can’t fool them flies!”

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I was at a McDonald`s restaurant for lunch one day and this young lady came in and she had her hair dyed red blue green yellow and pink.

As I looked at her she turned around and said, what are you looking at ? Haven`t you ever seen a woman with colored hair before?

I said no, I was just thinking back to when I was in the Army and I got really drunk one night and when I woke up the next day my buddy said I had sex with a parrot, and I thought you might be my daughter.

Edited by Ray P

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An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his

cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a

round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had

produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

 

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but

the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home,

...like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."

 

 

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations

of "WOW"...one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

 

 

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

 

 

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian

baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets

about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

 

 

The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pounds."

 

 

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What

happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"

 

 

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on

his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

 

 

"We had him circumcised!"

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Why does the parrot wear a raincoat?

 

So he could be polyunsaturated.

Edited by luvparrots

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Boy: your teeth are like the stars

Girl: awww...thanks

are they that much pretty?

Boy: no, far away from each other.

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London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

 

 

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door

 

 

 

 

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

 

 

 

 

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ATT00025.jpg

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A guy is being chased and when he rounds a corner there is a nun waiting for the light. He says to the nun, sister could you hide me I'm being chased. The nun lets him hide under her habit. A few seconds later two MPs go running bye. When they're gone, the guy gets out and thanks the nun. He says thanks sister they were trying to return me to Iraq and I don't want to go. The nun says if you looked up while you were under there you would have noticed two balls. I don't want to go back to Iraq either.

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A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a Dairy Queen and sat down to drink a chocolate shake.

 

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the Dairy Queen to finish his chocolate shake.

 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the Dairy Queen and asks , "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

 

Nothing, but you left your injun running!

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says,"I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says,"Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks,"What movie did you watch?"

Son says,"Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says,"Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot and says,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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This is a huge thread, so this may have come up before, in which case I apologise.. The Wife and I got a laugh out of it anyway..

 

Lady at the 'local' bird shop: "That toy will last for ages - African Greys aren't destructive."

 

Really???! I wish she'd come and tell Winston that...

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This is a huge thread, so this may have come up before, in which case I apologise.. The Wife and I got a laugh out of it anyway..

 

Lady at the 'local' bird shop: "That toy will last for ages - African Greys aren't destructive."

 

Really???! I wish she'd come and tell Winston that...

 

She should come and watch Alfie with his new toy. He is currently going to town on that thing! Already debating about buying a spare!

 

 

This is an oldie but a favourite:

 

Three men walked into a bar.

Well one of them should have seen it!!

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Be happy Winston LOVES to destroy toys! LOL I would be thrilled if Sophie loved toys... she doesn't. WE are her toys. Sean will bring her back chunks of wood from hunting. After cleaning the wood ( which she supervises), she will destroy it, only if it is in the kitchen, hanging with us. We leave her tons of paper, bills, on the counter top.Sophie is in the kitchen the moment we walk in the door. Nancy

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How much does it cost for a pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

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